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Bob Gaffer (Zirakzigil)


Bob Gaffer was adopted as a toddler by Legoarmy of Dale when he found him abandoned on a random hillside in Isengard. Legoarmy didn't care much for the halfling he had adopted, for he had done so to feed it to his pet pumas later. Legoarmy was eager to be rid of the child as while placing it in the saddlebag of his War-Donkey, it had drank some of his most valuable ent draughts. However, Bob was a curious infant and fell into the river as Lego crossed the Fords of Isen. Because of the blue ent draughts he had drunk, Bob did not drown, and ended up in Enedwaith. From there, Bob crawled into a nearby cave where he lived for 18 years, feeding on the hallucinogenic mushrooms which flourished there. Eventually, Bob dared to leave the cave and grunted in amazement, for he knew not of any language spoken. It was the Sun shining in all it's glory, and Bob stared right into it until his eyes were blinded. In a sudden rage, he ran across the land naked, for he had no need for clothes in the dank cave. He eventually ended up climbing the Misty Mountains, shivering in the cold, but Bob was made of stern hobbit flesh. He found a cave which smelt of death and rot, but because he grew up eating nothing but hallucinogenic mushrooms he saw this as a cave with pretty unicorns and smelled of mushrooms. He entered, and found a elf bleeding rainbows covered in mithril. In reality, it was just a wounded orc with bone armour. Bob, knowing nothing, tried to help the orc but snapped its neck instead. Bob then proceeded to try and eat the orc, for in his crazed and twisted mind he thought the elf was asking him to turn him into mushrooms.

Donning himself in the orc's gear clumsily, he wandered across the Misty Mountains, and out of sheer luck did not fall to his doom or encounter a Dwarf or Orc until he arrived in the Gladden Fields, where he was promptly driven off by ChrissR who shot him in the knee. ChrissR had been wearing Dwarven mail, and Bob Gaffer had the image of Dwarven armour forever burnt into his head as an enemy. Thus it came to pass that during his mad wanderings where he ate naught but snow and licked minerals off the mountains, it came to pass he saw a Dwarf on the peak of Zirakzigil. The Dwarf was merely smoking a pipe, but was wearing Dwarvish mail. Bob. filled with rage then took what he thought was a good weapon but was in reality just a orc bone, and hit the dwarf on the shoulder with all his might. Now had this been a different situation, Bob would have been promptly hit on the head with a warhammer, ending this story very quickly. However, he managed to knock the dwarf off balanced and he plunged 22 meters to his doom. Bob then stole all his cram and weed and mithril ingots. As he was doing this, he heard a shout 'Groin son of Balin has fallen off Zirakzigil!'. It was Groin's friend, who had gone up to check on him. Thusly Bob heard his first words, for Legoarmy had said nothing, and his parents lived isolated in Bree, until they hit hard times and realized they could not care for a child. Bob crudely imitated those words. 'Zirakzigil'. And thus he took the name of Zirakzigil, for thereon after it was the only word he could legibly say.


After skipping away smoking weed, he went blindly east, where he ended up in the Land of Mordor. All the Uruks and Orcs did not recognize him for a halfling, for he wore the raiment of an orc and grunted like one. He eventually ended up in the city of Barad Dur, where he was thrown in the dungeons to be questioned by Sauron. However, Zirakzigil knew hardly more than an animal. Sauron found that this could be exploited, for this was a blank slate that could be manipulated in any way, and it was in the shape of a fair form. Sauron invaded the mind of Zirakzigil and filled it with dark and false thoughts, and the knowledge and skills that Sauron had gained during his long existence. With hardly any effort, Sauron had created a perfectly loyal servant. However, Sauron realized that Zirakzigil was essentially a more stupid Gollum, and he had just filled it with the ancient knowledge of Valinor and told it all Dwarves, Elves and Men of Numenor must be killed at all costs. Sauron cast him into the nearest Warg Pit, irked by his waste of time. For a corrupted halfling could do little against the might of Elves. Or so he thought.

Zirakzigil, filled with the thoughts of his master quickly took control of the wargs. He then stayed among them for 12 years, until his hair was metres long and circled the pit. Zirakzigil cast his hair high, for he had grown stronger feeding on Manflesh, and the hair caught in the fences of the Warg Pit. He then climbed using his own hair. He felt no pain for the mushrooms had heavily destroyed his nervous system, causing him to often lose control over his motor functions. After many attempts, he escaped the warg pit with bleeding fingers. Zirakzigil had a single mantra in his head. To kill.

He walked through Mordor. The poisonous air had burnt his lungs, causing his voice to rasp very uncomfortably.. His white sun deprived skin was further abused when his long train of hair caught fire in a lava pit, and he rolled around burning. Zirakzigil was now completely bald, and the hair on his feet would never regrow, and he was covered in scars from the gravel, hideous to look upon. He however did not falter and marched Westward. He then did a crazed act. Though Sauron had given him the gift of language and purpose, he was still completely deranged. He scaled the Mordor Mountains into Ithilien.

He found the hidden encampment of Rangers with eyes that had grown keen in the dark. Seeing them asleep, he stealthily started rummaging through their chests, but managed only to steal a pickaxe and some bread before he felt an arrow whiz by him and he fled. He then bored into the Earth, and using the knowledge gifted to him by Sauron he in the depths of the earth, fed off naught but more mushrooms and bat guano and forged himself a set of armour and a hammer and pike to kill. Far and wide he wandered across Gondor, for he burrowed during day into the ground and emerged at night to avoid detection. He entered Rohan, where there he met his enemy. Mewarmy, Bringer of the Dawn. He silently entered Aldburg, where MineOfDuty had carelessly left the gate open, and beat him near to death in the underground farms and ran off with a mithril dagger. However, on his way out he found himself bopped on the head, stripped of all gear and thrown in the moat for dead. Stunned and weakened, he crawled out and fled into the night, towards his cave in Enedwaith.

He recuperated there for many years, boring into the earth and gathering materials for his one man war. For he had only one purpose and thought, and that was to weaken the Dwarves and Gondor as much as he could before his death. He mostly stayed in the background, assassinating few people at a time. He eventually returned to Mordor carrying the silver and coated in the True-silver he had found and the bones of many Gondorians. There, the Orcish captains were impressed and gave him command of a platoon of Olog Hai. Zirakzigil then rode the spawn of Ungoliant to the one Dwarven city he knew of. Methedras.

Reign of Terror

He struck down the Elvish tourists that were outside the walls, and the hosts of Methedras came upon him in anger. They clashed upon the walls when he was aided by the arrival of Frank_Scouter, who had heard of the battle and came thirsting for blood. Then, to Zirakzigil's great amusement, he was launched over the walls during the fray by an unknown Dwarf's warhammer, for he suddenly found himself on the ramparts. The battle raged for an hour, and many dwarves lay dead. Thorin_The_King himself came forth clad in Mithril and did battle with him, and though Thorin himself was slain Zirakzigil was dealt a near fatal blow and retreated, leaving Frank _Scouter for dead. Zirakzigil stored away his looted mithril, and hung Thorin's mithril upon a stand for display. The defenders of Methedras had just begun to think the battle was over, when Zirakzigil returned. There he gloated in his victory, for he had slain Wille of the Red Mountains, Thorin of Erebor and Mathyas of the Iron Hills among others. However, shortly after his arrival the night seemed to fade. A great horn echoed through the mountains. Mewarmy burst forth with an army of Rohirrim, and cleaved his way through the Olog guard, and knocked Zirakzigil down under the bodies of his troll guard. Due to Zirakzigil's small stature as a halfling, although he looked far more like Gollum than anything else, he managed to hide within the body of one of his Olog Hai. Therefore they assumed that Mewarmy had simply hit him too hard with Dawnbringer, the massive Warhammer that Mew wielded and turned him into hobbit mist. The black blood of the trolls further corrupted Zirakzigil's body, turning his once blue-gray eyes into an orcish yellow and caused his madness to grow.

First Death

Zirakzigil had given up on hope. He lost interest in staying in Middle Earth, and decided to fulfill his master's order with the biggest bang he could. He ventured to Nogrod, but was defeated, for they were more prepared. An army of 30 huorns and countless dwarves greeted him. What shocked him the most was the presence of a Haradrim against him. He started forward then turned away and fled, for he was outnumbered desperately with no hope, for he had brought only 10 Olog Hai. He fought as hard as he could, but to no avail he was struck down by SpoangityBob wielding his great but strangely named warhammer, Banhammer.


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Years passed and he was forgotten. His spirit was cast away by Mandos into the void for his crimes. But one day, life was breathed back into him. He awoke in a different shape. A creature made of stone and covered in the skin of a Man, animated by sorcery and controlled by a spirit that had been banished from The Halls of Mandos. Nathalie3649 had recreated him. She was planning on having an assistant construct her mighty fortress in Mordor, and thought a Golem would suit nicely. Zirakzigil upon gaining control of his body quickly leaped up, grabbed Nathalie's mithril and a weapon and ran off towards Gondor.

He committed many crimes, and with a body of stone he was enabled to be more focused, for his mind was cleared of the clouding effect of the mushrooms he had eaten when younger. Physically he was far stronger and far quicker than in his shrivelled old form, and mentally there was only the wickedness of Sauron within him. Sebrom, the king of Mordor saw this and quickly recruited him to their cause.

He shed a tear for his fallen foe Mewarmy, for he and mew had enjoyed their battles together.

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He entered Dain's Halls for the Grey Dwarves had taken to his challenge, and opened the gates and he went in. There he slaughtered them but could not find the King VetusGeneral, who was away doing important stuff at the time. Then he challenged them to attack his own fortress which had been built very close North of Methedras, but that attack failed too and the dwarves drowned in Quagmire, while also breaking several of the laws of the world.

He however, clumsily blew up his own fortress in the process.

He was then insulted by a Gondorian, sevosGR, and angered he went to Ras Morthil, where he in anger attacked the city and demanded that they surrendered the fortress to him. Many times, he was insulted and harassed for the incident by Dr_Dalek and his anger blew up and threw caution to the wind. Clad for the final time in Mithril, he strode to Ras Morthil in his full power along side Sebrom, they fought and slaughtered the inhabitants.

Finally, he was slain for the final time. InternetMiner's took up his great hammer and slew him in one stroke as he slept. His spirit was forever barred for returning, cited for breaking the laws of the fabric of reality. One must beware of troops slaughtering boars while one is busy fighting. He will be most likely mourned by none except Nathalie, who still needed a slave for building a fortress, and one that didn't run off randomly exploding into swords.


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His spirit will lay in the void, regretting he had not gathered evidence and submitted a harassment report to the guardians of the fabric of reality before hand.

He can do naught but publish evidence of ones he had found breaking the rules also, and leave some pictures of random stuff he found.

"Such as hoster239 and Dr_Dalek combat logging. Or Alvister too. Or a picture of Moria's security hole, I doubt the stuff will incriminate them, but Dalek, not cool man. Really not cool. You attempt to FT kill me, I let that slide. You and your friend combat log in my face but I let that slide. If the issue was boars I would happily replace them. You realize I cannot really see what the hell is going on if I'm dealing with high elves in my face or if I'm chasing you into your tower. You and sevos repeatedly spammed me over and over, and insulted me plenty of times. I accept that my behavior was reckless, but I actually kept a level head the whole time and NOT ONCE did I actually insult you. As for this so called Gondorian Captain, how would I kill him if I was not aware of it's existance? And why did you not keep him inside? Were you purposely trying to set me up? I mean, hell if I know how AW got in that boar cage. The lies you have spun are worse than the worst of mine. Keep that in mind." he can be heard screaming endlessly into the void but being met with only the sound of oblivion. And also playing Run from the Olog with mew's spirit.

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